I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
