Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
