you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
