my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
