I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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