Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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