We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
