Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
