there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
