a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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