I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
