U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
