this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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