Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
