so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
