So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
