I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
