Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
