im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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