Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
