my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
