Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
