Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
