Redeem this text for a blowjob
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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