At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
