Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
