I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
