I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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