Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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