I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
