If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
