I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
