she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
