Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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