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now i know why i became what i already was.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
