Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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