I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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