I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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