My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
it hurts more in the daytime
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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