We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i was born a porn star she said
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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