Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Boobs are out for the taking
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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