My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
