if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
