Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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