Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
