Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
