That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
