Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
