I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize