Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I AM VODKA MAN
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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