The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
