Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
