Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
