She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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