connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
