TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
