I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize