Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have feelings that need drinking.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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