dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
