i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
