After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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