Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
