watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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