I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
