Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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